Growing a Team is Hard.

In my experiences I’ve always felt that my role isn’t to lead It’s to give advice or a better interpretation of something. When i’m given the chance to lead because others believe I’m capable of such. I usually back off, or say I could try. maybe It was because of my lighthearted nature and righteous attitude If you will. The funny thing was some of It wasn’t in real life, It was in the virtual world of video games. This always happens when I come on the game. people give me lots of greetings and then asked If I want play with them. Of course that be awesome, I say, then we all go an adventure into the realm of fantasy. The problem,which is natural at times, is when I decide to stop playing. I’d been getting distracted with other things. As everyone else noticed my absence. things started to…. disband. They stop playing… i come back and see that they haven’t been playing at all since i left. I get shocked, but I didn’t understand the essence of these experiences until I’ve decided to a lead a team in my real life. It was great at the beginning, how I’ve discuss with my teammates about what it is I wish to do, but I need help. I’ve Chosen the friends I was with at my previous job and a friend of mine who i knew back in high school. A team of 5. one who can draw, one who can program and design websites, one who can manage and create servers, one who has a professional sense and me… we all had this big goal, we figured how to start, but what kept us from starting was everyone. mainly me, I had too much on my plate that i could not focus on what my heart is calling me to do. I felt it… something seems wrong, but i don’t know what it is. The question kept coming. What am i doing wrong!!??? Distractions from women,bills,my job, my dog, my family, its like your just given responsibilities that you didn’t ask for i don’t… understand. Its a lot easier for people to solve problems they created vs problems others just… give you. The breaking of the team grew closer in time. I try to discuss through email about all of these things, but i didn’t understand why i didn’t receive that much a response. i perceived that i might need to talk one on one with everyone to see what they think. i understand if they got adversity in their lives as well…. i get it. so i waited until they were i guess ready. i didn’t see this before, but i know that was the wrong decision.. to wait. waiting on something to happen is very difficult approach for me because My logic is the more i wait, the more i don’t absorb, experience, do, share and the more i don’t experience the more i feel i’m not “living”. Even if you have problem in your life that shouldn’t stop you from “living”,, understand this… just because your physically alive doesn’t mean you’re living. i feel more Alive, when.. i just..look at trees… how the leaves bloom . why can’t i stop glaring at this sight? i get so…. immersed with the trees. The wind is blowing, you are surrounded by nature… it’s so breathtaking. i get immersed by any form of nature. Ah, the revelation of that thought, it just seems… peaceful. The team started to get more distance after i quit my job and went homeless and traveled around to find myself for about 4 weeks. people always want a reason on why someone did something. i don’t know… something told me i should do this. Go on this adventure. The things I’ve seen out there was just amazing, but that’s another time. people might believe that i’m a child and need to grow up. i don’t push away my childish roots because they are the essential energy you really need to bring forth the power in you. i no longer shine away from criticism, but i do shine away those who hate. never really got the courage to do what I’ve done.